Here at Rabid Reseller we don't think much of this Global Financial Crisis. It was all supposed to be over by now but we still aren't seeing many customers and the few we see aren't spending much money.
They've all spent their stimulus and we've decided they need a lot more stimulating if a reseller is going to have any chance to turn a profit any time soon.
We've decided that what's really needed is more deregulation and more competition in the whole area of interest rates and fiscal policy.
Who made the Reserve Bank the interest rates boss anyway?
Here at Rabid we can still remember when the government decided what the interest rate was going to be and home owners were well-pleased with those fixed rates.
Welcome to the launch of Rabid Reserve, the new alternative interest rate benchmark that will be making policy decisions to help resellers everywhere to make an honest dollar or six.
First off, we're lowering the base rate to one percent.
If it's good enough for the Yanks, it's good enough for Australia. After all, they're the most powerful economy on this planet and several nearby planets, so why not aim for best practice?
Matter of fact, let's save a whole bunch of money by not having a Reserve Bank Board at all.
Those merchant bankers earn a darn sight more than any reseller so we'd save a tidy sum by just asking them not to attend any more meetings.
Next item, peg the Aussie dollar one-for-one to the US dollar. Just about everything on the shelf here either comes from the USA or gets supplied to us in US dollars.
How much easier is this going to be if we don't have to keep screwing around with exchange rates?
Now this is also going to save a truckload of money at the banks.
For starters they can fire all those overpaid foreign exchange traders who keep sending them broke every time they punt on the wrong currency.
Who needs ForEx traders when you know that the dollar will be the same price tomorrow as it is today?
Once we've got ourselves hitched to the US dollar we can also track the US interest rates as well. That solves two problems that the Reserve Bank has never managed to get right.
We're confident that Julia Gillard will be a strong backer of our proposals. The last place that tried it was Ecuador and it all went according to plan except that the president got run out of town.
When Kevin gets run out of town that will save Julia from a nasty squabble about who's the best bloke for the top job. Sure there was a minor amount of civil disobedience and the occasional over-reaction by the Ecuadorian troops but at least everyone knew what a dollar was worth.
That's not likely to happen here anyway, as all our troops are overseas, wishing their wages would buy them something nice in foreign lands.
Well, under Rabid Reserve even the army will be on side, with their dollars now at the same value as the US Marines' money.
In fact, if things get a tad nasty we can probably expect our good friend Barack to send a few Marines over here to lend a hand maintaining law and order. Heck, they do it already for people they don't even like so they'd be sure to help out their mates.
But we've missed the obvious solution to all this financial foolishness! All we really need to do is ask President Obama to accept our nomination as the southern-most state of the USA.
Heck they've even got their own version of Medicare now so we won't be missing out on good health by becoming Good Americans.
Gotta go y'all, custahmurs waitun!