The last Word: Same again, thanks

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This article appeared in the Issue 179, 22 August 2005 issue of CRN magazine.

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OPINION: Just placed our order for PlayStation Portables for the shop. Oh boy, these things are going to sell themselves.

Here at Rabid we’re relying on them to sell themselves because we dismissed all our staff unfairly as soon as the Senate sat for the first time with a government majority. But don’t you worry about that, let’s get back to the PSP toys.

What’s not to like about these little gizmos? Already we’ve heard massive amounts of positive feedback from consumers. This has taken the form of endless whining about the new format that can’t be pirated unless you’re an über-geek.

Even better, the PSP is region-locked, which means that even spoilt rich kids will have to buy one of these things from us instead of getting their jet-setting dads to pick one up cheap in Honkers or Bangers.

Of course really rich kids will just send the butler back there on weekends to get the latest releases.

Rabid Reseller is always in favour of new media formats. The snotty little gremlins will have to buy every one of their games and movies all over again and they won’t be able to copy off their brat buddies.

Who needs new content when you can railroad the punters into buying the same content yet again just by dangling a shiny new toy in front of them? Heck, this trick has been working well ever since Captain Cook swapped a chest full of beads and blankets for Botany Bay, although now that there’s an airport runway in the middle of it the deal isn’t looking so good.

But PSPs just have to be winners. What punter could resist that fantastic new LCD screen? It’s in 16:9 widescreen format just like the plasma TV in the lounge room. And with 480 by 272 resolution the quality is almost as good as the first Macintosh that was released a scant 21 years ago. The built-in wireless is also genuine 20th century technology at a staggering 11Mb/s. And it comes in any colour you like so long as it’s black. That’s a marketing trick that was introduced as recently as 1908. Everyone knows retro sells so this is a guaranteed winner. Better order up big in advance of the rush.

Speaking of retro, Apple is well and truly heading down that road with Mac OS X based on the sprightly young Unix operating system, which first saw the light of day in 1969. Following that line of endeavour you shouldn’t be surprised at the latest hot item from Apple.

Yes, they’ve released their very own two-button mouse, and punters have to pay double the price of any other two-button mouse because this one looks like it only has one button!

You can still pretend that you only need one button and that you haven’t succumbed to the evil Windows-inspired extra button, while secretly pressing the second button when no-one is looking.

How retro-cool is that! Rabid approves big time, especially at twice the standard mouse price. The new bi-button mouse should go well with the new Intel-based Macs when they appear next year. Just a few more tricks and Apple should be able to reduce the difference between Macintel and Wintel to zero.

Why don’t we just get Intel to make all the PCs and let the punter choose which operating system they want to pirate?

Then Apple and Microsoft could sue everyone who buys a PC and the users can exercise their choice by settling with the company that offers the best deal and the least jail time. A really good lawyer might get you the latest software with only a few hours of community service. Gotta love democracy in action.

Wait a minute, what’s this? A class action lawsuit from our recently sacked staff members? What are these fools on about -- those unfair dismissal laws are gone forever now that the government has a majority in the Senate. Say what? What’s the point of the Senate sitting if they don’t vote on anything? Nobody told us they had to vote on stuff anyway. That wasn’t explained in those full-page colour adverts on the weekend.

Bugger. Gotta go, lawyers waiting! 
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