Rabid reseller: Resolution time

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This article appeared in the January issue of CRN magazine.

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Rabid reseller: Resolution time

This year, just like every year, we made a bunch of New Year’s resolutions. It’s almost compulsory. You don’t want to be the only one at the party without any resolutions.

At first, Rabid didn’t need to worry about the embarrassment on New Year’s Eve. Rabid was the only one at the party. We’re sure it was just a printing error on the invitation. Themed New Year’s Eve parties are all the go these days.

What with all the concern about the environment, we thought it wasn’t inappropriate to hold a party in a landfill site. Well, rubbish dump actually. Never mind, we found the right address eventually. We just wish we hadn’t worn the themed outfit to match the landfill. That got a bit whiffy after a few beers and a mild amount of what passes for dancing in Rabid’s repertoire.

Back to the resolutions. While the party was in full swing we resolved rather too loudly to stop offering dodgy discount deals with even dodgier warranties. The party went instantly silent, like one of those teen movies where the guy admits he’s a virgin. You could have heard a pin drop. We didn’t think it was such a big deal. The punters haven’t been falling for that old chestnut all year, so it wasn’t like it was really going to cost us anything.

Apparently, you don’t discuss discounting in a room full of resellers. Particularly when they’ve been partying. It’s just not done. Rabid pleads ignorance. This is the first reseller New Year’s Eve party we’ve actually attended. And we only found this one by accident after the landfill disaster. Last year there was the disused train tunnel party, the year before was the abandoned quarry party . . . you get the idea. They’re always making printing errors on the invitations. 

So it’s not like we’ve had lots of experience on the public proclamation of New Year’s resolutions. Everyone else was resolving to quit smoking, quit drinking, quit sniffing glue and file their BAS on time. Heck, Rabid had already resolved all those things in previous years. It’s just that there were no witnesses. No matter how loudly you resolutely resolve to do something, in disused train tunnels nobody can hear you scream. Particularly when you’re on your own.

So instead, we resolved to make more money. That sort of went down OK with the other resellers – at first. But we had to then resolve not to make too much more money, as they turned out to be a bunch of socialist collectivists and they want to share the wealth. It must come from dealing with all those Chinese exporters.

Maybe there are subliminal messages hidden in the invoices. Rabid doesn’t source product from China. Way too expensive. We prefer to deal with the free market thinkers in Uzbekistan.

Rabid has now resolved not to make any resolutions until next year. Well none that can be tested to determine resolvability. 

Gotta go! Uzbekistani sales quotas to meet!

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